It has happened to the best of us – we find ourselves completely lost in a love relationship with a miscommunication between our heart and mind. The heart wants to love deeply no matter the circumstances and the mind says “Run while you can!” Logic and emotion do not blend most of the time.
If you are anything like me, you find yourself stuck in “over-analyzing” mode. Questioning yourself and your partner with puzzles like “where did I go wrong?”, “what is different? “, and “what can I do to change things?” The love was there. We both felt it! It was undeniable!
This is a place I have been multiple times in my life. Sometimes, it takes many mistakes, lessons and lost loves to really understand why it didn’t work.
Over time, I have come to the realization that no matter how much baggage you let go of to be vulnerable in love or how much soul work you do to make sure your heart & mind are ready for love, there is still something missing that is out of your control in a mutual love relationship.
So, what is the missing ingredient to every relationship that often eludes people? It’s the timing.
Timing – where each person is at this stage in their life. Timing can include a multitude of factors such as how many life lessons has each partner learned where they will not bring past pains and hurts into the current love relationships? How emotionally mature and ready is each partner? Has each person learned enough about love to be receptive to it and to give it equally back? Do both people want a serious relationship right now or does one of them need to spend more time on him or her first?
Knowing this one ingredient to love, the timing, really can change a person’s perspective. Your ex-lover is most likely not an evil, bipolar, selfish, emotionally disconnected mess of a man just as much as you were not this unstable, needy, psychotic, overly sensitive, time consuming person. We have come up with all these textbook words to describe people such as narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, etc., but maybe they truly aren’t. Maybe we all struggle with being selfish and becoming detached. When love is there, but it cannot thrive in its environment, people become the worst versions of themselves. It becomes an emotional stink pot of tainted love.
I am a strong believer in the idea that everyone is genuinely a good-hearted person just trying to make their way and find their voice in this world. We come along many people who appear to not care for us, hurt us, abuse and abandon us to sort through a mess of emotions on our own.
After many lost loves of my own, I have come to grow in awareness to the fact with the right mind set I can turn these pains into wisdom or as a tool for my personal growth. At the very least, it is a way to recognize my triggers – the things in this life that trigger extreme negative emotions that require internal awareness and healing. When you can reach this mind-set, you come to an epiphany moment – you yourself have hurt many people who only wanted to love you in your past when you were the one who wasn’t in good timing for a real relationship.
I had a relationship with this man – we only dated for roughly 2 months. The love was most definitely there! He was the first person I had ever met who very easily saw me, the real me, and it scared me enough to activate my fight or flight response. I started doing things I had never done before just to detach back into my comfort zone, but I had no self-awareness as to why I was doing it at the time. As a woman who has been in a few relationships where she felt used and emotionally abused by men, I had no idea I was even capable of playing the opposite role. Years later, I contact this past love and tried to make amends for my actions. His response was one I had felt myself many times before – when you try to be cool, but really the wound still exists even if it is closed and my mere presence rubbed it open again.
Back to my main point, the cycle of bad timing. Each and everyone one of us has played their own part as both victim and abuser, but really if the timing was good – maybe it would have been different.
What are your thoughts on this?