Revealed: Why We Are ALL Abusers, Why We Are ALL Victims

In every personal relationship we will form throughout our lives, there will be a victim and an abuser. The abuser will push and expect this person (the victim) to do what they have always known as the right thing to do until the victim accepts it as truth. Then this victim now becomes the abuser in another tale.

When I speak of the role of an abuser, remember we are ALL abusers and we are ALL victims.

How can this be?

Since the day you were born, people have abused you.  People have taken from you the deepest, most treasured parts of your being.  Even the people who love you the most in this world have abused you, but they have no knowledge or awareness of this. They have no idea they are abusing you because they too were abused since the day they were born – they do not know any better.  In every personal relationship we will form throughout our lives, there will be a victim and an abuser. The abuser will push and expect this person (the victim) to do what they have always known as the right thing to do until the victim accepts it as truth.  Then this victim now becomes the abuser in another tale.

When I speak of the role of an abuser, remember we are ALL abusers and we are ALL victims.

How can this be?   Well, from here you will need a flexible mind and a strong heart.  If you do not have one or either, I forgive you for calling me the crazy lady who has no idea what she is speaking about.

FB-Betty-Ann-baby-TattoosFrom the moment you took your first breath into this world, this might be the truest moment of your life. You were greeted into this world as the miracle you are – so full of wonder and mystery. You knew nothing but the connection to your mother in her womb.  You felt her heart beat, you felt how every emotion changed this beat to race faster or calm in a soothing rhythm. You felt her sadness when she wept during a sad scene in a romance movie or how she cried out in heartbreak in the aftermath of a verbal argument with your father.   You felt her happiness when she picked out your new bedspread with safari animals or how giddy she felt to see the little socks with penguins on the sides she will put on your feet. These “things” that caused emotions in your mother weren’t real for you in the womb.  What was real for you were the emotions you shared with her – the happiness, the sadness, the anger and the love.  

When you exit the womb and enter your new reality, you will slowly start to realize that people understand emotions differently.  Emotions are unstable and irrational according to the grown adult.  You must learn to control your emotions.  To know how to control your emotions well at an adult age, you must learn to control them at a very young age.  f8f89-crying-baby

Within the next few months, we will start to get upset when you cry for us.  It will make us frantic and stressed out.   We don’t know what you want since the only form of communication we know is verbal.   We do not know that every little being is born with a unique way to communicate with emotions, because we don’t use those anymore to form major decisions.  Adults use their thoughts – our mind.   We do not know that crying means you are sad, uncomfortable or need something and that you have created a different type of crying for each to help us understand.  We do not know that you create little cues with every emotion you have, all the same emotions your mother shared with you in the womb, to help us understand what you need.   We only know control.  So in an attempt to train you to control your emotions we will start sleep training you.  This is called Cry It Out in the adult world.   From here, you will learn to cry until you fall asleep.  We will not come for you until you are done.   We adults have no idea that we pushed away your emotions.  We have no idea that we invalidated your emotions and your attempts to communicate with us.  We had no idea that we abused you. changing_pieces_of_autism_040912

You will grow up and every time you use your emotions to communicate with us, we will feel frantic.  We only know control. We will put you in time-out until you learn to control your emotions. We will spank you until you learn to control your emotions because we had no idea that you were acting out for attention because you are in pain.  We do not know you are in pain because we won’t listen, but still we will lecture and yell at you until you control your emotions.  We will continue to invalidate your emotions and your attempts to tell us something that is important to you.  These little problems seem small to us, but to you they are very big!  We had no idea this feels like abuse to you. 

As you enter school and start to form friendships with the kids in school, you will soon realize that the cycle continues.  You will start to feel this unspoken emotional war of whose parents or adult caregivers emotionally invalidated which child the most because this child will look like a bully to you.  In school, you will share with your peers the abuse you were shown by your parents or adult caregivers.  This will be some of the most traumatic times for you because unlike your family these people do not always love you.  They can come from groups of people or they can come all at one time.  You never know!  So, it makes you feel on edge. Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

You will adopt whatever you learn as a young child growing into a teenager in your adult life.   You will feel a lack of trust for most people maybe even your own parents though sometimes the reasons won’t make sense to you.  Most everyone will have to earn a place in your life as being someone who does not stir your emotions because if they do, you will not know what to do with them and it will take time for you to recover.  You may struggle in love relationships with people because you find it hard to form a close connection with someone due to how hard it is to remain vulnerable.   Sometimes, communicating your feelings will give you anxiety so to make sense of it all you will over-think or over-analyze your emotions.  Most of the time you will not trust your own emotions so you will seek the opinions or emotional validation of your friends who will most likely tell you this person you are dating is an abusive asshole if he is a man or a psychotic bitch if she is a woman.  You might find a nice person to settle down with eventually who is within your emotional comfort zone and plan a life together.  Maybe you will have kids! Then, you can show them all the control and emotional invalidating tactics the ENTIRE world has shown you your whole life. Wouldn’t that be grand? 

Now that I am off my storyteller’s box and slapping myself in the face for that last sarcastic bit, let’s get to the juicy stuff.  Why has our culture forsaken emotions?   We can say for certain that it is culturally conditioned.  Most everyone views emotions as irrational and something that needs to be controlled.  It is more rational to let your mind make all the major decisions, right?

Emotions are the key to what is wrong with today. Today is a world of violence, war, dissention, segregation, hate, fear, loneliness, power, greed and control.  Yes, we are intellectual and science has offered us many new discoveries, but this is not due to forsaking emotions.  Forsaking emotions is what created the world of today.

Lovers-imageWhat is the most ultimate emotion?  The most powerful?  Love.   I bet most people agree it is love.  Thoughts and intelligence come from the mind while emotions and love come from the heart.  As a culture, have we cut off our hearts and the entire part of ourselves below the head and mind?  Is this why we can poison our food, destroy our earth, kill trees, pollute the air, medicate with unnatural sources – because we do not value our body which holds our heart because we are cut off from it?

Charles Bukowski said, “An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way, an artist says a hard thing in a simple way.”  You can interpret this quote many ways, but what stands out to me is that we will never fix our world’s problems with our mind – our intellect.  We will fix our world’s problems like an artist does, by letting our emotions go free.  In this instance, we can fix our problems by embracing our hearts and by embracing love.

Healing the heart can lead to larger personal spiritual growth.  Every time you pay attention to a triggered emotion of anger, sadness or pain this serves as a cue for you to pay attention.  This is where you need to heal.  We have become used to using pain medications like drugs, alcohol or literal prescribed drugs to deal with our pain, suppress it.  When you validate your own emotions, you will discover that every negative emotion is tied to a place in your heart that was forced to break off so you can continue to live on mostly uninterrupted.  Some people call this heartbreak, but the shaman calls this soul loss.  To heal your soul and reconnect with your heart, you must validate your emotions and allow the pain to surface.  Pull the pain into the light and heal it. Calling back the lost parts of your soul is like putting together your heart to be strong and beautifully vulnerable again.

When love becomes the conductor of your life, meaning love always has the final say in your choices and the mind works only as a trusted advisor to the heart to create your actions, there would be less and less of our current reality – less hate, less cruelty, less war. This is because love connects us to one another.  Love breaks down all the walls you have built to protect your heart from pain and suffering.  Love helps us notice other people and feel what they feel.  Love validates emotions and heals the heart.  People who have freed their heart have a power to spread love and happiness that truly heals this world.

You might be thinking how can I, one person, make that kind of change?  That is impossible!

good-karma-300x166Let me paint you a picture of a reality where you use your heart to make 1 decision:  You are in the grocery line behind a family who is pulling out every coupon for every item in their purse.  The children are tired and hungry, but the mom has a worried face because she sees she does not have enough money.  She starts to put things back.  You have a small amount of money in your account, but it is all you have. You trust you will be ok until your next paycheck and your heart is calling out to this family right now. You pull out your card and pay for the rest of her groceries.  She cries a little because she sees the kindness you shared with her, the heartfelt moment, and the money didn’t matter as much to her as the fact you cared – that you noticed her struggle.  The clerk and the few people surrounding you witnessed that moment and it made their heart open just a bit more.  It made them think “Wow there really are good people in this world.” One person posted about it on Facebook which inspired a few dozen kind acts, one person told her mom’s group which inspired a few more dozen acts.  Those acts inspired more acts and more acts.  

It is this trickling affect that is addictive, but in a good addictive way.  And, it starts from only 1 kind act with a loving intention.  Most of us are lacking true kindness and love in our world – in our reality.  When you witness it or are part of it yourself, you will want more!   It feels so energetic like putting a fire in your soul where it was once quiet.  Yet, the act did not put the fire there.  The fire already existed.   The loving act just lit the fire.

There is a lot to think about and absorb here.  What are your thoughts on this?

Why You Really Suffer in Love Relationships

It has happened to the best of us – we find ourselves completely lost in a love relationship with a miscommunication between our heart and mind. The heart wants to love deeply no matter the circumstances and the mind says “Run while you can!” Questioning yourself and your partner with puzzles like “where did I go wrong?”, “what is different? “, and “what can I do to change things?” The love was there. We both felt it! It was undeniable! So, what is the missing ingredient to every relationship that often eludes people?

Lovers-image

It has happened to the best of us – we find ourselves completely lost in a love relationship with a miscommunication between our heart and mind.  The heart wants to love deeply no matter the circumstances and the mind says “Run while you can!” Logic and emotion do not blend most of the time.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself stuck in “over-analyzing” mode.   Questioning yourself and your partner with puzzles like “where did I go wrong?”, “what is different? “, and “what can I do to change things?”  The love was there.  We both felt it!  It was undeniable!

This is a place I have been multiple times in my life.  Sometimes, it takes many mistakes, lessons and lost loves to really understand why it didn’t work.

Over time, I have come to the realization that no matter how much baggage you let go of to be vulnerable in love or how much soul work you do to make sure your heart & mind are ready for love, there is still something missing that is out of your control in a mutual love relationship.

So, what is the missing ingredient to every relationship that often eludes people?  It’s the timing.

Timing – where each person is at this stage in their life.  Timing can include a multitude of factors such as how many life lessons has each partner learned where they will not bring past pains and hurts into the current love relationships?   How emotionally mature and ready is each partner?   Has each person learned enough about love to be receptive to it and to give it equally back?  Do both people want a serious relationship right now or does one of them need to spend more time on him or her first?

Knowing this one ingredient to love, the timing, really can change a person’s perspective.   Your ex-lover is most likely not an evil, bipolar, selfish, emotionally disconnected mess of a man just as much as you were not this unstable, needy, psychotic, overly sensitive, time consuming person.   We have come up with all these textbook words to describe people such as narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, etc., but maybe they truly aren’t.  Maybe we all struggle with being selfish and becoming detached.  When love is there, but it cannot thrive in its environment, people become the worst versions of themselves.   It becomes an emotional stink pot of tainted love.

I am a strong believer in the idea that everyone is genuinely a good-hearted person just trying to make their way and find their voice in this world.  We come along many people who appear to not care for us, hurt us, abuse and abandon us to sort through a mess of emotions on our own.

After many lost loves of my own, I have come to grow in awareness to the fact with the right mind set I can turn these pains into wisdom or as a tool for my personal growth.  At the very least, it is a way to recognize my triggers – the things in this life that trigger extreme negative emotions that require internal awareness and healing.   When you can reach this mind-set, you come to an epiphany moment – you yourself have hurt many people who only wanted to love you in your past when you were the one who wasn’t in good timing for a real relationship.

I had a relationship with this man – we only dated for roughly 2 months.   The love was most definitely there!   He was the first person I had ever met who very easily saw me, the real me, and it scared me enough to activate my fight or flight response.  I started doing things I had never done before just to detach back into my comfort zone, but I had no self-awareness as to why I was doing it at the time.  As a woman who has been in a few relationships where she felt used and emotionally abused by men, I had no idea I was even capable of playing the opposite role.  Years later, I contact this past love and tried to make amends for my actions.  His response was one I had felt myself many times before – when you try to be cool, but really the wound still exists even if it is closed and my mere presence rubbed it open again.

Back to my main point, the cycle of bad timing.  Each and everyone one of us has played their own part as both victim and abuser, but really if the timing was good – maybe it would have been different.

What are your thoughts on this?

What Everyone Should Know About Love and The Masculine Principle

Having a true romantic and spiritual relationship that is fueled with love is one of the many wonders of this modern day world.

Having a true romantic and spiritual relationship that is fueled with love is one of the many wonders of this modern day world.

If you are anything like me, you were raised in a broken family with little to no example of what real love looks like. Your parents or caregivers busted their butts to keep the house maintained and to live securely with food on the table.  One parent or both parents were away from home most the time and too exhausted for much else when the family was together.  There wasn’t much time for love or even knowledge of connecting to love and eventually you become witness to a dying marriage.

Because of this, online relationship experts are in high demand these days. Marriage has upgraded from 2 people of the opposite sex needing each other to run a home, carry on the family name with children and to provide for them financially, to being married for love alone. Now, men can take care of their own homes with modern appliances, cook their own food with easy make meals and it is socially acceptable to have female friends or date to fill those needs of feminine energy.  Women can be successful in the business world and take care of their own financial and security needs while also maintaining relationships, plutonic or romantic, to fill their needs of masculine energy.

There is no need to get hitched, tie the knot, unless it is for loving commitment.

So, what is the problem?

Most people really do want to find that one person, who really loves them and “gets” them, but the problem is – men do not understand women and women do not understand men.

We look to experts to teach us how to have the relationship we want – to find the man or woman of their dreams!  When a current relationship isn’t going the way we want, we look for advice and insights from coaches who can help us get what we want.  If we don’t get it, we jump on another dating site and find someone else to repeat the cycle.

How do you end the cycle?  Maybe this video from Bryan Reeves will shine some light on your struggle.

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Look For Love

When we find ourselves in repeated scenarios in relationships, the universe is stirring the psyche by sending us lesson after lesson to initiate an awareness of the pattern that resides within us.

Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

We all come across multiple scenarios of repeated similar outcomes in our lives even outside of love. The job promotion you deserve always seems to go the next person. In social gatherings, people talk over you, ignore you or use you as a verbal punching bag. Abusive people gravitate to you as if you were wearing a welcome sign “Please come here repressed people!”

When we find ourselves in repeated scenarios in relationships, the universe is stirring the psyche by sending us lesson after lesson to initiate an awareness of the pattern that resides within us.
The powers that be are asking us to PAY ATTENTION by dealing some major emotional blows.
The quick fix solution is to convince yourself that the blame lies with the other person. This can work the first few times, but after a while even the slightest touch will easily open these wounds. The trend is the scenario + outcome but the players are different. It becomes a cyclic pattern. A cycle.
These cycles require more than reading a book or an article to end. To understand your patterns, you must do the work from deep within. You must dig deep down to your core.
These suggestions below are for the person who is fed up but also aware that you can only change yourself. There is something holding you back from achieving the love you want in your life and this awareness is the first step to a new life path to your happily ever after!
Please keep in mind these suggestions should be applied to your own reality.
1. DO YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED OR UNACKNOWLEDGED CHILDHOOD CONDITIONING THAT PREVIOUSLY HINDERED YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
Often deeply felt pains stem from an early life conditioning that can come from the most innocent of choices. These are the hardest to target since the reasons are less apparent than the obvious negative experiences like neglect or abuse, but still they are important for you to understand in order to lift these relational blocks.
One of the more common choices made in earlier parenting generations that can have an effect on future love relationships is the popular phrase, “If you have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.” If used as intended, the phrase was useful in response to bullying or the like. In many cases, it taught us to hide all feelings deemed negative. Without a healthy release of anger, frustration or sadness, a child soon grows into an adult who retains this belief that anything negative is bad. This adult believes these feelings should be shunned and not felt.
I have been in relationships where I was afraid to communicate my needs out of fear of appearing negative, needy or too emotional. I didn’t have much practice expressing my deeper feelings in my early life, but pretending your feelings do not exist only leads to disaster. Eventually walls and resentment will be built between you and your loved one leading you to only allow your ego or mask to be in the relationship by hiding your true feelings as well as your true self. To form a strong connection, you need to embody your true self or your lover will only know the role you play.
It is healthy to share your feelings. It is healthy to state your needs. It’s healthy to be vulnerable.
Make sure to set reasonable goals. If you have never been able to speak of your negatively viewed feelings freely, do not expect this to be something you can do with ease overnight. It might take months to years to get to a point of speaking without fears.
Enlist the help of your love, or potential love, by letting them in on your personal behavioral modification goals. Their awareness, patience and understanding can really help you supercharge the full understanding of these hurdles. Plus, it could be bonding to heal together!
If you lost a relationship, please understand that every situation and relationship failure happened for your personal benefit, so you can strive to correct them and do better next time.
2. ARE YOU LACKING A SUPPORTIVE TALK THERAPY OUTLET OR NOT UTILIZING A PERSONAL JOURNAL TO ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS?
In the TV series Nashville, when Scarlett O’Conner consulted the doctor of Deacon Claybourne about Deacon’s lack of interest and motivation to heal his liver cancer with all mean necessary, the doctor responded with a term that rings true. He mentioned that Scarlett was being a “positive bully”. A positive bully is a person who is so positive with their energy and words they can shift the natural balance of thoughts in the person who is in the midst of a personal struggle to focus solely on their negative thoughts.
As in all things, there is a balance. Every person must feel hope in their success and a realism of their situation. Speak freely without fear. I am in no way saying it is a bad to offer a person your best intentions by expressing positivity when your dear loved one is down. By all means, this is not a bad reaction! It is a beautiful gift to your friend. If you notice you are constantly talking to your friend about a repetitive scenario, then maybe consider what is being said here.
The most common response, especially amongst women, when listening to the woes of a friend we respond with the utmost of positive, uplifting words. “You will find mister right! He was a jerk! You are 100% in the right and he is 100% in the wrong!” The problem with this scenario is these unrealistic responses often leave us in a standstill. The best way to describe this feeling is there is something wanting to come out, but you can’t quite figure out what it is. Feeling like it’s all your EX’s fault sure does feel good though!
The purpose of consulting trusted friends or family is to vent your feelings and to seek their counsel since they can offer an objective viewpoint to your situation leading you to alternate perspectives to process mentally and emotionally.
For those of us that are introverted, journaling is a wonderful option! I find journaling more beneficial than just meditating since the process of writing or typing can help direct the thoughts and you can save it then review your personal progress or to discover trends you might forget or otherwise not see until it is compiled.
3. DO YOU FEEL DISCOURAGEMENT OR LACK OF TRUST IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
This suggestion is the most important so turn your brain on full learning capacity!
For every women, in the unconscious mind, lives an archetype of a male personality called the Animus. For every man, in the unconscious mind, lives an archetype of a female personality called the Anima.
The Anima and Animus, in the Carl Jung’s school of Analytical Psychology, are part of the collective unconscious and true self of every person. These archetypes are affected, for good or bad, by a compilation of important figures in our life consisting of mother, father, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, teachers, coaches, etc. These perceptions formed by the important role models in your life, dictate our interactions and attitudes with the opposite sex. If the women in your early life were ball busters, you will subconsciously prepare for women to ball bust! If the men in your early life chose ball games and beer over, well anything really, then you will become accustom to thinking men don’t prioritize their lovers.
The natural thought process of gender generalizing will subconsciously initiate the law of attraction by sending your thoughts into the universe where it will manifests into your reality. It could also be called a self-fulfilling prophesy.
According to Jungian psychology’s individuation process, the transforming of one’s psyche by bringing the personal and collective unconscious into the conscious, if confronting one’s shadow self is an apprenticeship then confronting one’s anima/animus is a masterpiece.
We are evolving in a way where we can each embrace having a beautifully unique blend of feminine and masculine energies. The struggle is to find your soul mate, twin flame, soul equal or any other name you choose to call “The ONE” who compliments your personally unique energies.
Above all, keep in mind personal growth is freeing, but to get there we might have to get messy along the way.
The universe rewards those who do the soul work.