Why the empath falls for the narcissist: The attachment and energy exchange system

In this video provided by Vital Mind Psychology, you will learn why empaths find themselves feeling stuck with their narcissist and what you need to know to break free.

There is a lot of information out there about the Empath and Narcissist relationship dynamic, but I find myself frustrated with how one-sided some of the information is. It is uncommon for me to find balanced and helpful information for empaths to transcend completely blaming their narcissists for the situation they find themselves in.

As with every situation we find ourselves in, there is a reason and there is a lesson to learn. In this case, it is for the empath to understand their porous nature and how to see it as a gift, not a curse.

Every narcissist is a hardcore lesson in breaking free from the energy attachments that we empaths often find ourselves suffering with in life, even within our healthy relationships. The narcissist counts on the empath to remain feeling stuck as their primary source of one-sided energy vampirism or as a member of their hoovering list. To break free, change needs to occur.

As a person who has suffered for most of my life under the influence of a narcissist family member and several narcissistic romantic relationships to follow, I have found it important to acknowledge that patterns like these are not random, that my childhood conditioning has played a major role in my adult experiences. I can sit here and continue to blame my childhood, and I have for many years in my younger adult years, but narrowing my attention in who is to blame never helped me.

At the very least, sometimes it is just necessary to vent, talk or journal to understand myself or what I am feeling, which is often necessary for any childhood or relationship traumas, but it can only get you so far.  At some point, we have to take responsibility for where we are and acquire the knowledge and understanding to liberate our self from destructive patterns.

In this video provided by Vital Mind Psychology, you will learn why empaths find themselves feeling stuck with their narcissist and what you need to know to break free.

 

 

Other videos to watch:

5 Key Lifestyle Changes Empaths Needs to Make

5 Destructive Fantasies Empaths Have After The Narcissist Has Left

The Unconscious Belief The Empath Must Face To Break Free Of The Narcissist 

Understanding The Mind The Narcissist

 

Reigniting The Childhood Spirit – Soul Discovery

As a child, we are more absorbed in the present moment and so our intuitive instincts dictate how we act. Our intuition communicates through our feelings, which serve as important signals. Naturally then, unrestricted by time, we are driven down the path of highest excitement, to creatively pursue our individuality and so become engaged in the process of manifesting our highest potential.

Written by Sam Igneous @ Soul Discovery 

Click Here to View Original Article

During childhood, we are in our least conditioned state. The subconscious mind is still accumulating its largest proportion of stimuli, which becomes a primary driving force for our behavior in later life. The conditioned mind functions according to the demands of the ego. The ego operates according to the external world, preoccupied with past and future states. As a child, we are more absorbed in the present moment and so our intuitive instincts dictate how we act. Our intuition communicates through our feelings, which serve as important signals. Naturally then, unrestricted by time, we are driven down the path of highest excitement, to creatively pursue our individuality and so become engaged in the process of manifesting our highest potential.

Even when connected to the present moment, a child can still utilize their conscious mind in a constructive way. This comes through utilization of the imagination, but not as a form of escapism. When we become lost in abstractions or trapped by the future, the ability to create now is hindered. As a child, however, we imagine a reality in our minds as if it were real and we bring the accompanying feelings back to the present moment. We start to live as though we are already the person we want to become. These feelings are what give children the innate motivational spirit to play, explore and create and this state of being is much more influential than the specific images conjured up by the imagination.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.” ~ Albert Einstein

As we get older, we are taught that these dreams hold no basis in reality and so we adopt belief systems that limit what we are capable of achieving. Paradoxically, the older we get, the more out of touch we actually become with reality. Our dreams as a child were telling us something about what type of person we could become. When we lock them away, we live within confined possibility, following life like a deterministic script. This is an unfortunate byproduct of a competitive, materialistic society, which functions according to external dictates. We start to feel as though we will be judged if we step outside the status quo and, in fear of being ostracized, we may accommodate to a life of conformity and obedience, compromising the expression of our true individuality. This resistance against the self begins to build up within us. We become highly repressed individuals and may project this subconscious trauma on to others, as well creating inner turmoil, which manifests on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels.

The way we were nurtured by our parents in the critical early years of our development, bears a huge impact on our behavioral temperaments in later life (Bowlby, 1969) (1). It is particularly important that a child has his/her basic physical, social and emotional needs tended to by a primary caregiver. Without sufficient nourishment, a child is likely to develop insecure personality patterns, which can manifest as two extremes: The first type, the anxious/ambivalent type, is often characterized by overcompensating in an attempt to gain the caregivers affection, as a result of their neglect and/or abuse. The second type, the anxious/avoidant type, is characterized by withdrawal and indifference, as a result of the caregivers neglect and/or abuse. These become prototypes for later relationships (Bowlby, 1969).

Anxious/ambivalent: (Joyce Catlett, M.A.) (2)

“Children who have an ambivalent/anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and overly dependent with their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships.

Adults with preoccupied attachment patterns are usually self-critical, insecure and desperate, often assuming the role of the “pursuer” in a relationship. They possess positive views of other people, especially their parents and their partner, and generally have a negative view of themselves.”

Anxious/avoidant: (Joyce Catlett, M.A.) (3)

“People who formed an avoidant attachment to their parent or parents while growing up try to steer clear of emotional closeness and intimacy in their new relationships. They tend to feel uncomfortable with physical contact and attempt to limit affectionate and sexual exchanges with their partner in order to maintain a more comfortable or “safe” distance in the relationship. They value the friendship aspects of a relationship, but look down on romantic love, passion, commitment, and satisfaction.  Other adults identified as “avoidant/dismissing” are loners; they prefer isolation and are primarily interested in practical matters.

When faced with threats of separation or loss, many “dismissing” men and women are able to focus their attention on other issues and goals. Others tend to withdraw and attempt to cope with the threat on their own.  They deny their vulnerability and use repression to manage emotions that are aroused in situations that activate their attachment needs.”

Though this Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1969) is recognised in mainstream academia, it fails to address the deeper ramifications of insufficient parenting, beyond the evolutionary paradigm. A child who is nurtured and loved sufficiently in the womb (and beyond), will develop much more than the the capacity for survival. Providing the parent is not too strict or smothering and doesn’t try to mould the child to their own expectations, they will have the secure base they need, from which to more freely explore the world, nurture their individuality/creativity and forge deep and meaningful relationships, free from unresolved, internalised conflicts. There are many other environmental factors to consider, some of which may interfere with this process, as well as the vital component of free will, but having this foundation in place sets a child off on a strong foot.

There are complete exceptions to the rule also. Some children, as a result of childhood mistreatment or neglect, are actually propelled to look deeper at reality, in an attempt to rationalize their suffering.  This may come during an act of rebellion and/or during a period of intense emotional trauma, during which time a lot can be discovered about the self. Nevertheless, any unresolved conflicts still remain internalized within the self and will need to be addressed at some point. There are various ways to tackle the shadow and release past traumas (refer to section 3 on the website: Confronting The Shadow).  Sometimes, when we are bought up sheltered and stable, we may not have the need to venture out of this perceived comfort zone.

As well as our early upbringing, the education systems hugely shapes a child’s future. Indoctrination into the education system further curtails our imagination and restricts critical thinking. Children become more inhibited from freely exercising their unique skills and creative drive, as they move through the school system. Instead, we see a situation where holistic learning is fragmented into separate subjects, producing standardized material, where the ability to conform, memorize and repeat is rewarded. Attempts to look at reality deeper, question the status quo, or connect with one’s individuality, on other hand, are punished. This negative conditioning, through punishment, creates in us a state of learned helplessness. In such a passive state, we fear breaking the rules, because we know the consequences are detrimental. Students are then encouraged to narrow down their focus to the prescribed parameters of one subject area and then to take up further study at university to study this in greater detail. This further compromises the ability to view reality holistically and expand awareness beyond the confined restrictions of society.

“For a small child there is no division between playing and learning; between the things he or she does just for fun and things that are educational. The child learns while living and any part of living that is enjoyable is also play.
~ Penelope Leach

Though we can’t expect to abandon responsibility and commitments completely, we can learn to apply the creative mind into our daily lives, as much as possible. We can turn our lives into a work of art, through various expressions. The best way to rekindle the childhood spirit is to find what most excites us in every moment, and practice it to the best of our ability. We can learn to master this state of being in any environment we find ourselves in, by absorbing ourselves right into each moment and releasing preoccupation of our minds from worry and regret. We mustn’t expect that the future is set in stone. If we learn to release attachment, new possibilities emerge that we couldn’t predict. As long as we fear the unknown, we will seek physical security. This attachment to survival compromises the growth of spirit, which thrives on the exploration of consciousness and expansion through creativity.  This far surpasses anything material. As a child, the concept of time and death were not embedded in our reality. Fear did not drive our actions. This default mode of existence can teach us a lot to apply into our lives now.

References: 

(1) Bowlby J. (1969). Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. New York: Basic Books.

(2) Catlett, J., (n.d.). Understanding anxious attachment- part 1: Ambivalent/anxious attachment. Retrieved from http://www.psychalive.org/understanding-ambivalent-anxious-attachment/

(3) Catlett, J., (n.d.). Understanding anxious attachment- part 2: Avoidant/anxious attachment. Retrieved from http://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

Original Article: Reigniting The Childhood Spirit — Soul Discovery

Website: Soul Discovery

The Anatomy of a SOUL

Our souls are multi-dimensional. This means they exist in multiple dimensions concurrently. There is also a soul “hierarchy” that supports our soul’s journey.

Soul Layers

SOUL AND SPIRIT

Often, spirit and soul are used interchangeably and can have different definitions based on the culture defining them. Spirit is action energy. It is our divine connection to the Source. It activates purpose, mission, and evolution opportunities. Soul is identity energy. It contains consciousness, memory, personality, and ego when we are incarnated. When embodied, we are spirit, have a soul, and live in a body.

Holographic energy can create a whole universe from each individual part no matter how small or distant the part is. The part contains the whole and yet is clearly distinguishable from it. In a holographic universe, every moment (past, present, and future) exists simultaneously. Every place is connected to every other place. Every particle contains the full awareness of every other particle. The soul is holographic. The part of an incarnated individual that resides in the 3rd dimension is just one part of a greater soul that stretches across multiple dimensions.

Ian Lawton, in his book The Big Book of the Soul, describes soul consciousness as holographic. He says that a soul is simultaneously the individual aspect of Source and the full holographic representation of Source. Therefore the Soul is a part of Source but retains its own free will. Every individual consciousness is a part of Universal consciousness. He says “All is in each and each is in all and all is in Source and Source is in all.” This is how we are all related.

In this article, we will focus on the anatomy of the holographic soul.

Many cultures believe that an individual has multiple souls. In many cases, one of the souls is associated with the body and the other one can leave the body (free soul). Each of the different souls has a different destiny after death. Among many northern Asian peoples one soul remains with the corpse, one soul descends to the underworld, and one soul ascends to the heavens. Following is a list of how some different theological belief systems view the soul:

 CLICK HERE to continue reading Anatomy of a Soul

Revealed: Why We Are ALL Abusers, Why We Are ALL Victims

In every personal relationship we will form throughout our lives, there will be a victim and an abuser. The abuser will push and expect this person (the victim) to do what they have always known as the right thing to do until the victim accepts it as truth. Then this victim now becomes the abuser in another tale.

When I speak of the role of an abuser, remember we are ALL abusers and we are ALL victims.

How can this be?

Since the day you were born, people have abused you.  People have taken from you the deepest, most treasured parts of your being.  Even the people who love you the most in this world have abused you, but they have no knowledge or awareness of this. They have no idea they are abusing you because they too were abused since the day they were born – they do not know any better.  In every personal relationship we will form throughout our lives, there will be a victim and an abuser. The abuser will push and expect this person (the victim) to do what they have always known as the right thing to do until the victim accepts it as truth.  Then this victim now becomes the abuser in another tale.

When I speak of the role of an abuser, remember we are ALL abusers and we are ALL victims.

How can this be?   Well, from here you will need a flexible mind and a strong heart.  If you do not have one or either, I forgive you for calling me the crazy lady who has no idea what she is speaking about.

FB-Betty-Ann-baby-TattoosFrom the moment you took your first breath into this world, this might be the truest moment of your life. You were greeted into this world as the miracle you are – so full of wonder and mystery. You knew nothing but the connection to your mother in her womb.  You felt her heart beat, you felt how every emotion changed this beat to race faster or calm in a soothing rhythm. You felt her sadness when she wept during a sad scene in a romance movie or how she cried out in heartbreak in the aftermath of a verbal argument with your father.   You felt her happiness when she picked out your new bedspread with safari animals or how giddy she felt to see the little socks with penguins on the sides she will put on your feet. These “things” that caused emotions in your mother weren’t real for you in the womb.  What was real for you were the emotions you shared with her – the happiness, the sadness, the anger and the love.  

When you exit the womb and enter your new reality, you will slowly start to realize that people understand emotions differently.  Emotions are unstable and irrational according to the grown adult.  You must learn to control your emotions.  To know how to control your emotions well at an adult age, you must learn to control them at a very young age.  f8f89-crying-baby

Within the next few months, we will start to get upset when you cry for us.  It will make us frantic and stressed out.   We don’t know what you want since the only form of communication we know is verbal.   We do not know that every little being is born with a unique way to communicate with emotions, because we don’t use those anymore to form major decisions.  Adults use their thoughts – our mind.   We do not know that crying means you are sad, uncomfortable or need something and that you have created a different type of crying for each to help us understand.  We do not know that you create little cues with every emotion you have, all the same emotions your mother shared with you in the womb, to help us understand what you need.   We only know control.  So in an attempt to train you to control your emotions we will start sleep training you.  This is called Cry It Out in the adult world.   From here, you will learn to cry until you fall asleep.  We will not come for you until you are done.   We adults have no idea that we pushed away your emotions.  We have no idea that we invalidated your emotions and your attempts to communicate with us.  We had no idea that we abused you. changing_pieces_of_autism_040912

You will grow up and every time you use your emotions to communicate with us, we will feel frantic.  We only know control. We will put you in time-out until you learn to control your emotions. We will spank you until you learn to control your emotions because we had no idea that you were acting out for attention because you are in pain.  We do not know you are in pain because we won’t listen, but still we will lecture and yell at you until you control your emotions.  We will continue to invalidate your emotions and your attempts to tell us something that is important to you.  These little problems seem small to us, but to you they are very big!  We had no idea this feels like abuse to you. 

As you enter school and start to form friendships with the kids in school, you will soon realize that the cycle continues.  You will start to feel this unspoken emotional war of whose parents or adult caregivers emotionally invalidated which child the most because this child will look like a bully to you.  In school, you will share with your peers the abuse you were shown by your parents or adult caregivers.  This will be some of the most traumatic times for you because unlike your family these people do not always love you.  They can come from groups of people or they can come all at one time.  You never know!  So, it makes you feel on edge. Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

You will adopt whatever you learn as a young child growing into a teenager in your adult life.   You will feel a lack of trust for most people maybe even your own parents though sometimes the reasons won’t make sense to you.  Most everyone will have to earn a place in your life as being someone who does not stir your emotions because if they do, you will not know what to do with them and it will take time for you to recover.  You may struggle in love relationships with people because you find it hard to form a close connection with someone due to how hard it is to remain vulnerable.   Sometimes, communicating your feelings will give you anxiety so to make sense of it all you will over-think or over-analyze your emotions.  Most of the time you will not trust your own emotions so you will seek the opinions or emotional validation of your friends who will most likely tell you this person you are dating is an abusive asshole if he is a man or a psychotic bitch if she is a woman.  You might find a nice person to settle down with eventually who is within your emotional comfort zone and plan a life together.  Maybe you will have kids! Then, you can show them all the control and emotional invalidating tactics the ENTIRE world has shown you your whole life. Wouldn’t that be grand? 

Now that I am off my storyteller’s box and slapping myself in the face for that last sarcastic bit, let’s get to the juicy stuff.  Why has our culture forsaken emotions?   We can say for certain that it is culturally conditioned.  Most everyone views emotions as irrational and something that needs to be controlled.  It is more rational to let your mind make all the major decisions, right?

Emotions are the key to what is wrong with today. Today is a world of violence, war, dissention, segregation, hate, fear, loneliness, power, greed and control.  Yes, we are intellectual and science has offered us many new discoveries, but this is not due to forsaking emotions.  Forsaking emotions is what created the world of today.

Lovers-imageWhat is the most ultimate emotion?  The most powerful?  Love.   I bet most people agree it is love.  Thoughts and intelligence come from the mind while emotions and love come from the heart.  As a culture, have we cut off our hearts and the entire part of ourselves below the head and mind?  Is this why we can poison our food, destroy our earth, kill trees, pollute the air, medicate with unnatural sources – because we do not value our body which holds our heart because we are cut off from it?

Charles Bukowski said, “An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way, an artist says a hard thing in a simple way.”  You can interpret this quote many ways, but what stands out to me is that we will never fix our world’s problems with our mind – our intellect.  We will fix our world’s problems like an artist does, by letting our emotions go free.  In this instance, we can fix our problems by embracing our hearts and by embracing love.

Healing the heart can lead to larger personal spiritual growth.  Every time you pay attention to a triggered emotion of anger, sadness or pain this serves as a cue for you to pay attention.  This is where you need to heal.  We have become used to using pain medications like drugs, alcohol or literal prescribed drugs to deal with our pain, suppress it.  When you validate your own emotions, you will discover that every negative emotion is tied to a place in your heart that was forced to break off so you can continue to live on mostly uninterrupted.  Some people call this heartbreak, but the shaman calls this soul loss.  To heal your soul and reconnect with your heart, you must validate your emotions and allow the pain to surface.  Pull the pain into the light and heal it. Calling back the lost parts of your soul is like putting together your heart to be strong and beautifully vulnerable again.

When love becomes the conductor of your life, meaning love always has the final say in your choices and the mind works only as a trusted advisor to the heart to create your actions, there would be less and less of our current reality – less hate, less cruelty, less war. This is because love connects us to one another.  Love breaks down all the walls you have built to protect your heart from pain and suffering.  Love helps us notice other people and feel what they feel.  Love validates emotions and heals the heart.  People who have freed their heart have a power to spread love and happiness that truly heals this world.

You might be thinking how can I, one person, make that kind of change?  That is impossible!

good-karma-300x166Let me paint you a picture of a reality where you use your heart to make 1 decision:  You are in the grocery line behind a family who is pulling out every coupon for every item in their purse.  The children are tired and hungry, but the mom has a worried face because she sees she does not have enough money.  She starts to put things back.  You have a small amount of money in your account, but it is all you have. You trust you will be ok until your next paycheck and your heart is calling out to this family right now. You pull out your card and pay for the rest of her groceries.  She cries a little because she sees the kindness you shared with her, the heartfelt moment, and the money didn’t matter as much to her as the fact you cared – that you noticed her struggle.  The clerk and the few people surrounding you witnessed that moment and it made their heart open just a bit more.  It made them think “Wow there really are good people in this world.” One person posted about it on Facebook which inspired a few dozen kind acts, one person told her mom’s group which inspired a few more dozen acts.  Those acts inspired more acts and more acts.  

It is this trickling affect that is addictive, but in a good addictive way.  And, it starts from only 1 kind act with a loving intention.  Most of us are lacking true kindness and love in our world – in our reality.  When you witness it or are part of it yourself, you will want more!   It feels so energetic like putting a fire in your soul where it was once quiet.  Yet, the act did not put the fire there.  The fire already existed.   The loving act just lit the fire.

There is a lot to think about and absorb here.  What are your thoughts on this?

Why You Really Suffer in Love Relationships

It has happened to the best of us – we find ourselves completely lost in a love relationship with a miscommunication between our heart and mind. The heart wants to love deeply no matter the circumstances and the mind says “Run while you can!” Questioning yourself and your partner with puzzles like “where did I go wrong?”, “what is different? “, and “what can I do to change things?” The love was there. We both felt it! It was undeniable! So, what is the missing ingredient to every relationship that often eludes people?

Lovers-image

It has happened to the best of us – we find ourselves completely lost in a love relationship with a miscommunication between our heart and mind.  The heart wants to love deeply no matter the circumstances and the mind says “Run while you can!” Logic and emotion do not blend most of the time.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself stuck in “over-analyzing” mode.   Questioning yourself and your partner with puzzles like “where did I go wrong?”, “what is different? “, and “what can I do to change things?”  The love was there.  We both felt it!  It was undeniable!

This is a place I have been multiple times in my life.  Sometimes, it takes many mistakes, lessons and lost loves to really understand why it didn’t work.

Over time, I have come to the realization that no matter how much baggage you let go of to be vulnerable in love or how much soul work you do to make sure your heart & mind are ready for love, there is still something missing that is out of your control in a mutual love relationship.

So, what is the missing ingredient to every relationship that often eludes people?  It’s the timing.

Timing – where each person is at this stage in their life.  Timing can include a multitude of factors such as how many life lessons has each partner learned where they will not bring past pains and hurts into the current love relationships?   How emotionally mature and ready is each partner?   Has each person learned enough about love to be receptive to it and to give it equally back?  Do both people want a serious relationship right now or does one of them need to spend more time on him or her first?

Knowing this one ingredient to love, the timing, really can change a person’s perspective.   Your ex-lover is most likely not an evil, bipolar, selfish, emotionally disconnected mess of a man just as much as you were not this unstable, needy, psychotic, overly sensitive, time consuming person.   We have come up with all these textbook words to describe people such as narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, etc., but maybe they truly aren’t.  Maybe we all struggle with being selfish and becoming detached.  When love is there, but it cannot thrive in its environment, people become the worst versions of themselves.   It becomes an emotional stink pot of tainted love.

I am a strong believer in the idea that everyone is genuinely a good-hearted person just trying to make their way and find their voice in this world.  We come along many people who appear to not care for us, hurt us, abuse and abandon us to sort through a mess of emotions on our own.

After many lost loves of my own, I have come to grow in awareness to the fact with the right mind set I can turn these pains into wisdom or as a tool for my personal growth.  At the very least, it is a way to recognize my triggers – the things in this life that trigger extreme negative emotions that require internal awareness and healing.   When you can reach this mind-set, you come to an epiphany moment – you yourself have hurt many people who only wanted to love you in your past when you were the one who wasn’t in good timing for a real relationship.

I had a relationship with this man – we only dated for roughly 2 months.   The love was most definitely there!   He was the first person I had ever met who very easily saw me, the real me, and it scared me enough to activate my fight or flight response.  I started doing things I had never done before just to detach back into my comfort zone, but I had no self-awareness as to why I was doing it at the time.  As a woman who has been in a few relationships where she felt used and emotionally abused by men, I had no idea I was even capable of playing the opposite role.  Years later, I contact this past love and tried to make amends for my actions.  His response was one I had felt myself many times before – when you try to be cool, but really the wound still exists even if it is closed and my mere presence rubbed it open again.

Back to my main point, the cycle of bad timing.  Each and everyone one of us has played their own part as both victim and abuser, but really if the timing was good – maybe it would have been different.

What are your thoughts on this?

What Everyone Should Know About Love and The Masculine Principle

Having a true romantic and spiritual relationship that is fueled with love is one of the many wonders of this modern day world.

Having a true romantic and spiritual relationship that is fueled with love is one of the many wonders of this modern day world.

If you are anything like me, you were raised in a broken family with little to no example of what real love looks like. Your parents or caregivers busted their butts to keep the house maintained and to live securely with food on the table.  One parent or both parents were away from home most the time and too exhausted for much else when the family was together.  There wasn’t much time for love or even knowledge of connecting to love and eventually you become witness to a dying marriage.

Because of this, online relationship experts are in high demand these days. Marriage has upgraded from 2 people of the opposite sex needing each other to run a home, carry on the family name with children and to provide for them financially, to being married for love alone. Now, men can take care of their own homes with modern appliances, cook their own food with easy make meals and it is socially acceptable to have female friends or date to fill those needs of feminine energy.  Women can be successful in the business world and take care of their own financial and security needs while also maintaining relationships, plutonic or romantic, to fill their needs of masculine energy.

There is no need to get hitched, tie the knot, unless it is for loving commitment.

So, what is the problem?

Most people really do want to find that one person, who really loves them and “gets” them, but the problem is – men do not understand women and women do not understand men.

We look to experts to teach us how to have the relationship we want – to find the man or woman of their dreams!  When a current relationship isn’t going the way we want, we look for advice and insights from coaches who can help us get what we want.  If we don’t get it, we jump on another dating site and find someone else to repeat the cycle.

How do you end the cycle?  Maybe this video from Bryan Reeves will shine some light on your struggle.

10 Smart Ways to Neutralize Toxic Behaviors

One of the greatest learned skills of successful people is the ability to neutralize toxic behaviors in others. Here are some suggestions to becoming a master neutralizer:

If you look at all of the personality profiles that can be considered as “toxic people”, in essence there are 2 general types of toxic profiles:
1) A person that is blissfully unaware of the negative impact they project on the people that surround them.
2) A person who purposefully extracts a twisted satisfaction from creating mayhem, pushing other people’s buttons and/or testing how far they can get away with extreme negative behaviors before they skillfully charm your pants off.

Both types are difficult to handle, because having them around leads to the accumulation of worthless complexities, discord and worst of all – stress. Stress has a dreadful effect on your success – personal life or career life. Exposure to even a few days of stress can impact the performance of neurons in the hippocampus – an essential brain area responsible for memory, learning skills and reasoning ability. Weeks of stress can result in a temporary loss of neuronal dendrites, the connectors that brain cells use to communicate with each other, and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. The theory that brain cells do not regrow is a myth, but no person who purposely causes you stress is worthy of your piece of mind – literally.

One of the greatest learned skills of successful people is the ability to neutralize toxic behaviors in others. Here are some suggestions to becoming a master neutralizer:

1) Eliminate or Evaluate
Understand that people who prey off the energy of others are often very charismatic! It’s a skill they have learned so they can discreetly bleed their chaos into your life, and when they are caught, they know exactly what to do and say to recover. They thrive on this up and down mess they create, and it leaves you feeling confused. When you find yourself constantly making excuses for their actions or finding some sort of reasoning in their behavior, then it is likely possible they have too much over control you. This is when you need to ask yourself, can I eliminate this person from my life? If you suspect the person in question is a sociopath (roughly 4% of people are) or an extreme narcissist, then dismiss them! You might care about them, but believe that your presence in their life is to only suit their own needs. To them, you are easily replaceable. If this person must remain in your life, then evaluate the role they play. Can you limit exposure? Are there better times to see them versus not seeing them? Can you avoid giving them any emotional ammo to manipulate and use against you?

2) Do Not Ignore Bad Behavior
Its common to ignore the behavior of a difficult person to avoid the crossfire. People who are blissfully unaware of the problems they cause are often met with avoidance. It can be hard to use reasoning as a tool to help them understand…because they do not understand their impact. It is important to speak up for yourself and others who also choose to avoid this person, but also for the person who is unaware and needs a good shake. Offer them the opportunity to grow and raise some personal awareness. Be blunt, kind and effective with your words. “Do you know you are causing me to stress?” “Do you know your actions are causing pain to others?”

3) Seek Counsel or Vent to Friends
It’s enticing to undertake everything on your own, but it’s altogether ineffective. The trusted people of your support system have the ability to see the chinks in your armor and the weaknesses in your approach. They can help you see alternate perspectives in your situation because they aren’t as emotionally invested. Being said, seek insights from people you trust as being wise and who are looking out for your best interests. Some people love you so much and want to protect you, they might be angrier than you are! It’s possible their perspectives might not be as insightful or helpful as you need.

4) Set Limits and Establish Boundaries
This is important to do especially for people you live or work with. I commonly see people put up with constant negative behaviors because they feel they have no control over the chaos or that this person will never change. Maybe they cannot change, you cannot control the personal growth of another, but you can change the way they treat you. For constant complainers, ask them what they plan to do to fix the problem. For constant passive aggressors, ask them questions to delve out their true aggression then talk about it. One piece of advice I would like to add, please understand that venting is healthy. Do not mistake a trusted friend’s healthy attempt of consulting you with their feelings with a person looking for attention.

5) Value Self-Awareness
People who make intelligent choices when dealing with toxic people know their limits. They know when to take a time out. They understand their emotions and realize they need to calm down before responding. They know when to seek help. Even highly successful people, who deal with toxic people regularly and are master neutralizers, are un-rooted now and then.

6) Become Thick Skinned
This is a something that could easily be argued. There are benefits to having a thin skinned personality type since they tend to be more aware of the feelings of others. Being thin skinned is a sensitive person with an antenna picking up on everything around them, but they are also targets for toxic people to play with. Growing a thicker skin is learning to be calm in the face of adversity. Thick skinned people know what criticism should be considered and what criticism needs to be discarded. They learn to not take things personally, especially cruelty from toxic people. It’s important to realize there is such a thing as being too thick skinned to the point of not being aware of what is going on around you. A healthy balance is the goal! Being able to become thick or thin when needed is ideal.

7) Ask Questions, Listen and Wait
This suggestion is an art form and the hardest to accomplish, but it’s a skill that will help you achieve master neutralizer status! If ever there is a gentle way to reverse the situation, it is strategically asking questions, so they bury themselves with their own words. Being in the spotlight is a toxic person’s weakness. Here you put truth and reason on the pedestal where you can call them out on their indiscretions. Remember, that feelings are often subjective and are easier to manipulate. Reason and truth are solid and not easy to bend to their advantage. Here is an example: You look bored, are you not interested in what is being said? Earlier you said you cared about the future of the company, are you saying it is not important to you? Actually, I said we need to cooperate on this subject matter, but I am open to your ideas. From what I understand, you selectively heard “I am open to your ideas”. Do you not value other people’s opinion or the benefits of cooperation? Do you find making decisions without consulting your team an honorable or wise action? ………..See the pattern? Instead of telling the behaviors you see, ask them! Their only options are: 1)learn they cannot get away with that type of behavior on your clock 2) make bad excuses for bad choices. Either way, you win. Just remember that just because a person does wrong by you it does not give you free reign to do wrong to them. Respect yourself and earn respect from others with honorable actions.

8) Fight Only When it is Right
Most situations are not worthy of your time when it comes dealing with a toxic person, but there are some situations where a person needs to be put in their place before they hurt others by spreading their chaos! Be aware of your primal brain fight response and do not dig in your heels for the sake of making your point. This puts you in the position to fight on their turf and you are likely to lose. Collect yourself. Read and respond to your emotions, then you can wisely choose the optimal course of action. As I said above, truth and reason are your greatest tools.

9) Focus on The End Goal
Think about the many times you have had an argument or disagreement with someone and in the moment your feelings of anger, frustration or maybe sadness felt all consuming. After a period of time, you can look back and laugh at those moments and realize they weren’t as big a deal as you thought at the time. When in a similar situation with a toxic person, remember this feeling because it will save you! A toxic person can take you on a long journey of emotional instability and when you finally come out of it, if you come out of it, you’re often left in shock thinking– how did I get here? Instead, take some time for yourself, even waiting 10 seconds to react can help your fight or flight response simmer into your conscious-reasoning mind. React knowing that these emotions are fleeting and you will not allow this toxic person to manipulate them. Give them nothing to manipulate.

10) Forgive but Do NOT Forget
Why not forgive and forget? You cannot learn from a situation if you forget it. Emotionally intelligent people understand that forgiveness is for your own benefit. Forgiveness does not excuse, deny or justify the act, but it does release you from the negativity in the aftermath that often leads to feelings of revenge and hate. These types of negative feelings change you and sometimes mutate you into a toxic person. Release yourself by letting go of the emotions attached to the bad situation you were in, but remember smart victims of toxic people understand that they need to take an assertive approach to protecting themselves in the future.

Other Things to Consider:
If you try a few of these suggestions below and they do not work as well as you had hoped the first time, offer yourself some understanding and stay with it. The brain is always evolving. You CAN teach yourself by re-wiring your brain to respond differently to people who used to get under your skin and stay there. As a highly sensitive person and former conflict avoider, learning to respond to toxic behavior with ease was no easy feat. The payoff, realizing your potential to create your own surroundings, is an immense gift.

9 Toxic Behaviors that Keep Us From Happiness

No person is immune to behaving in a toxic or dangerous way once in a while. What is important is knowing to move past these moments by learning to be better, embrace personal growth, instead of letting these habits stick around for longer than they are needed. Do not let them live rent free in your mind and heart damaging your property.

Breaking-Free-from-Victim-Mentality

Let’s be real – No person is immune to behaving in a toxic or dangerous way once in a while. What is important is knowing to move past these moments by learning to be better, embrace personal growth, instead of letting these habits stick around for longer than they are needed. Do not let them live rent free in your mind and heart damaging your property.

.

There are probably more toxic behaviors to list, but these 9 come to mind as the most important.

1. Victim Mentality 

When you have been the victim in a situation or multiple situations, especially before adulthood, it is hard to not try to protect yourself from these pains. Know there is a difference between protecting yourself and expecting to be hurt. Expecting to be a victim can keep you from feeling empowered and in control of your destiny.

“Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”

2. Living in the Past or Living in the Future

It is good to acknowledge your past and learn from your life’s lesson, but you do not need to relive the pain and regrets of the past. It is good to grow towards the future and prepare for the life you vision, but not at the expense of missing out on the magic of living in the present. Both extreme mindsets lead to ignoring the needs of the people around you.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

-Bill Keane-

3. Creating Enemies 

Most everyone is just doing their best in life. Any person who intentionally causes pain is suffering with their own demons unaware of how poisoned their thinking is due to all the pain they have received from others in life. Acknowledging this pain, offering your understanding and forgiveness, can help them see through themselves. This act can create a friend from an enemy.

“When you begin to see that your enemy is suffering, that is the beginning of insight.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh-

4. Holding on to Grudges

Sometimes, we are caught in situations with others where it’s not easy to let go soon after it happens. Some situations are traumatic and require a great deal of counseling, introspection and healing. Any grudge takes energy to keep and it gives this person power over you. Letting go of a grudge is more about your own peace & clarity versus forgiving the other person.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

-Buddha-

5. Mindlessly Living

It takes effort to live consciously. Reacting out of habit can cause a varied response with a mix of old patterns and emotional wounds mostly coming from the subconscious mind. When we live mindfully, we react to every situation with intelligence, wisdom, compassion and with the intent to create the best outcome possible.

“Mindless habitual behavior is the enemy of innovation.”

-Rosabeth Moss Kanter-

6. Withholding Love

Love can be used as a weapon even more disastrous than hate, but to give your love freely is a gift to yourself and the world. This is the only way you can surround yourself with multiple loving people in the form of friendship, family and romantic encounters. When a person stumbles in your life who abuses your love, your heart will already be so full, their attempts to cause you pain will be minimal.

“Take stock of your thoughts and behavior. Each night ask yourself, when were you negative when you could have been positive? When did you withhold love when you might have given it? When did you play a neurotic game instead of behaving in a powerful way? Use this process to self-correct.”

-Marianne Williamson-

7. The Need to Be Right

Feeling the need to be right is less about discovering the truth and more about protecting yourself from being wrong. It is an ego-based reaction. You can skillfully debate your position based on your truths and still listen respectfully to another person’s truths. If your reasoning is sound, maybe you will plant a seed in another’s mind for them to discover on their own, but that is all you can do when it comes to a tightly held belief. By listening to another person’s views, you too might be sent on the similar path to your own discoveries. Overall, it is about expanding the mind while letting go of your pride.

“He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak.”

– Michel de Montaigne –

8. Cheating in Life

Not going about things the right way is a disservice to yourself. It robs you of the ability to feel full satisfaction of a fairly earned accomplishment. No matter how much you push away feelings of guilt to yourself or others who might have been affected by this action, they exist somewhere within and can easily resurface at any time.

“The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one’s self. All sin is easy after that.”

-Pearl Bailey-

9. Allowing Ego to Drive 

Most if not all of the above behaviors could all be connected to the ego. The most important personal development discovery is when you can decide which parts of your ego requires healing and which parts need to be discarded. Once enough negativity has been removed, you can start living your life guided by your inner voice. The ego becomes a trusted advisor who sits in the passenger seat while your higher self is driving the car.

“Thinking, or more precisely identification with thinking, gives rise to and maintains the ego, which, in our Western

society in particular, is out of control. It believes it is real and tries hard to maintain its supremacy. Negative states of mind, such as anger, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy, are products of the ego.”

-Eckhart Tolle-

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Look For Love

When we find ourselves in repeated scenarios in relationships, the universe is stirring the psyche by sending us lesson after lesson to initiate an awareness of the pattern that resides within us.

Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

We all come across multiple scenarios of repeated similar outcomes in our lives even outside of love. The job promotion you deserve always seems to go the next person. In social gatherings, people talk over you, ignore you or use you as a verbal punching bag. Abusive people gravitate to you as if you were wearing a welcome sign “Please come here repressed people!”

When we find ourselves in repeated scenarios in relationships, the universe is stirring the psyche by sending us lesson after lesson to initiate an awareness of the pattern that resides within us.
The powers that be are asking us to PAY ATTENTION by dealing some major emotional blows.
The quick fix solution is to convince yourself that the blame lies with the other person. This can work the first few times, but after a while even the slightest touch will easily open these wounds. The trend is the scenario + outcome but the players are different. It becomes a cyclic pattern. A cycle.
These cycles require more than reading a book or an article to end. To understand your patterns, you must do the work from deep within. You must dig deep down to your core.
These suggestions below are for the person who is fed up but also aware that you can only change yourself. There is something holding you back from achieving the love you want in your life and this awareness is the first step to a new life path to your happily ever after!
Please keep in mind these suggestions should be applied to your own reality.
1. DO YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED OR UNACKNOWLEDGED CHILDHOOD CONDITIONING THAT PREVIOUSLY HINDERED YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
Often deeply felt pains stem from an early life conditioning that can come from the most innocent of choices. These are the hardest to target since the reasons are less apparent than the obvious negative experiences like neglect or abuse, but still they are important for you to understand in order to lift these relational blocks.
One of the more common choices made in earlier parenting generations that can have an effect on future love relationships is the popular phrase, “If you have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.” If used as intended, the phrase was useful in response to bullying or the like. In many cases, it taught us to hide all feelings deemed negative. Without a healthy release of anger, frustration or sadness, a child soon grows into an adult who retains this belief that anything negative is bad. This adult believes these feelings should be shunned and not felt.
I have been in relationships where I was afraid to communicate my needs out of fear of appearing negative, needy or too emotional. I didn’t have much practice expressing my deeper feelings in my early life, but pretending your feelings do not exist only leads to disaster. Eventually walls and resentment will be built between you and your loved one leading you to only allow your ego or mask to be in the relationship by hiding your true feelings as well as your true self. To form a strong connection, you need to embody your true self or your lover will only know the role you play.
It is healthy to share your feelings. It is healthy to state your needs. It’s healthy to be vulnerable.
Make sure to set reasonable goals. If you have never been able to speak of your negatively viewed feelings freely, do not expect this to be something you can do with ease overnight. It might take months to years to get to a point of speaking without fears.
Enlist the help of your love, or potential love, by letting them in on your personal behavioral modification goals. Their awareness, patience and understanding can really help you supercharge the full understanding of these hurdles. Plus, it could be bonding to heal together!
If you lost a relationship, please understand that every situation and relationship failure happened for your personal benefit, so you can strive to correct them and do better next time.
2. ARE YOU LACKING A SUPPORTIVE TALK THERAPY OUTLET OR NOT UTILIZING A PERSONAL JOURNAL TO ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS?
In the TV series Nashville, when Scarlett O’Conner consulted the doctor of Deacon Claybourne about Deacon’s lack of interest and motivation to heal his liver cancer with all mean necessary, the doctor responded with a term that rings true. He mentioned that Scarlett was being a “positive bully”. A positive bully is a person who is so positive with their energy and words they can shift the natural balance of thoughts in the person who is in the midst of a personal struggle to focus solely on their negative thoughts.
As in all things, there is a balance. Every person must feel hope in their success and a realism of their situation. Speak freely without fear. I am in no way saying it is a bad to offer a person your best intentions by expressing positivity when your dear loved one is down. By all means, this is not a bad reaction! It is a beautiful gift to your friend. If you notice you are constantly talking to your friend about a repetitive scenario, then maybe consider what is being said here.
The most common response, especially amongst women, when listening to the woes of a friend we respond with the utmost of positive, uplifting words. “You will find mister right! He was a jerk! You are 100% in the right and he is 100% in the wrong!” The problem with this scenario is these unrealistic responses often leave us in a standstill. The best way to describe this feeling is there is something wanting to come out, but you can’t quite figure out what it is. Feeling like it’s all your EX’s fault sure does feel good though!
The purpose of consulting trusted friends or family is to vent your feelings and to seek their counsel since they can offer an objective viewpoint to your situation leading you to alternate perspectives to process mentally and emotionally.
For those of us that are introverted, journaling is a wonderful option! I find journaling more beneficial than just meditating since the process of writing or typing can help direct the thoughts and you can save it then review your personal progress or to discover trends you might forget or otherwise not see until it is compiled.
3. DO YOU FEEL DISCOURAGEMENT OR LACK OF TRUST IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
This suggestion is the most important so turn your brain on full learning capacity!
For every women, in the unconscious mind, lives an archetype of a male personality called the Animus. For every man, in the unconscious mind, lives an archetype of a female personality called the Anima.
The Anima and Animus, in the Carl Jung’s school of Analytical Psychology, are part of the collective unconscious and true self of every person. These archetypes are affected, for good or bad, by a compilation of important figures in our life consisting of mother, father, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, teachers, coaches, etc. These perceptions formed by the important role models in your life, dictate our interactions and attitudes with the opposite sex. If the women in your early life were ball busters, you will subconsciously prepare for women to ball bust! If the men in your early life chose ball games and beer over, well anything really, then you will become accustom to thinking men don’t prioritize their lovers.
The natural thought process of gender generalizing will subconsciously initiate the law of attraction by sending your thoughts into the universe where it will manifests into your reality. It could also be called a self-fulfilling prophesy.
According to Jungian psychology’s individuation process, the transforming of one’s psyche by bringing the personal and collective unconscious into the conscious, if confronting one’s shadow self is an apprenticeship then confronting one’s anima/animus is a masterpiece.
We are evolving in a way where we can each embrace having a beautifully unique blend of feminine and masculine energies. The struggle is to find your soul mate, twin flame, soul equal or any other name you choose to call “The ONE” who compliments your personally unique energies.
Above all, keep in mind personal growth is freeing, but to get there we might have to get messy along the way.
The universe rewards those who do the soul work.